Autumn... It was Buck's favorite season, on any world. But on Betazed it was particularly splendid - all of the summer flowers were still in bloom, only just starting to shed the year's petals, and the autumn flowers had begun to show their colors. Buck and Jesa were alone, in Jelandra's back garden, lying on parallel sunbeds. It was the first time in a great while that Buck felt safe enough to let his guard down and relax, and it seemed the same for Jesa. Occasionally, he held her hand, just to remind himself that she was there. It was very... peaceful.

Jesa smiled a little as she felt his hand touch hers. Gently she squeezed his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. There were worries, and danger, but for a few days it was unlikely anything could happen, so she was taking the rare opportunity to relax and not be vigilant. She let her eyes close and just listened to the occasional rustling of leaves as a gentle breath of wind would catch them.

Buck felt the sun of his homeworld for the first time in... Oh, a very long time indeed. He had been wandering the local village earlier that morning - it was a quiet place, and he couldn't survive being cooped up in the Gear-Midral compound forever. He'd walked through the square, feeling, second hand, all the feelings and emotions of the young Betazoids around him. It reminded him why the planet had been such an idyllic place, before the invasion. And it reminded him why, from the perspective of Betazoid lore, he and Jesa had never consummated their marriage... Idly, almost unconsciously, Buck stretched a mental tendril across their linked hands, feeling for the mind of his Imzadi...

Jesa jerked suddenly and sat up before she had realized the source, her hands going to the arms of the chair in case immediate movement was required. Of course before she had even looked around she realized the source and sighed self-consciously, slowly relaxing back against the sunbed. A shiver traced its way down her spine and she didn't even know why.

Buck immediately started up, seeing her discomforture - it took him a few seconds to realize he had been the cause... 'Damnit,' he thought to himself, in an extended instant of anger... 'Damn it all to the abyss - I can't spend my entire life as half a husband...' At least, he thought he had thought it - it was only as he felt his mouth close he realized he had said it...

Jesa blinked at the sudden outburst and looked at him, "What?"

He mentally cursed himself - how could he say such a thing to her...? Because he'd felt it... Because every time he reached out to her mind, she made him feel quite unworthy of the title 'husband'. Because, to any telepath, the most intimate experience that could be shared was that of mental synchronization - letting her feel his love for her, feeling her love for him, seeing how each saw the other... How could she not want that? Why couldn't she understand why he did?

Then the nasty part of Buck's mind stirred. It always did, whenever he tried and failed to link with her. There was only one reason any wife banished her husband from her mind, and that was the unthinkable... The concealment of emotions that might drive the husband away - love of another, or lack of love for the 'current model'... Had she become so bored with him? Had she always been 'bored' with him...? "Jesa... Let me touch your mind... Please..."

Why did he always bring this up? She didn't understand. To be honest, she didn't know what she was doing wrong. She was just sensitive to telepathic contact, aware of when others tried to scan her and they had been on the run so long - it was hard not to react like that. Jesa thought that was perfectly understandable, or should have been. "But you do," she responded. They did regularly share conversations through this link made by his abilities, instead of speaking.

What did he want that was different than that?

Buck snorted. "That's like comparing lovers' letters to love-making. I don't mean touching your internal monologue - I mean touching your mind - your center - the basest, most raw, emotional part of your being..." His face was unreadable - it was as though he might kiss her, or storm off, or both at once.

She wasn't a telepath and so it wasn't a big surprise that Jesa really didn't understand how telepathy worked; and how it worked in Betazoid culture or a marriage between two Betazoids was even more of a mystery. Did he think she was hiding something from him? Did he not believe that her love was real except for entering and seeing for himself? Jesa felt trapped, and she wasn't sure what to do about it. Her brow furrowed.

Jesa opened her mouth, then closed it again, then just looked pained. She couldn't think of anything to say, there was just a torrent of mixed-up emotions inside, most predominantly hurt. And the thing that made her most frustrated is she didn't understand why this was so important to him. The final thing that came to mind was that silence was a surer killer of relationships than any words spoken. "I don't know why this is so important to you," she said softly, looking down.

Buck looked down for a moment. How could he explain to her without demonstrating? She wasn't a telepath; she couldn't be expected to understand. As with most cultural differences, it wasn't something that could be easily put into words. But she seemed to need it in words.

"I... I want you to feel what I feel about you... Damned clumsy language," he cursed the inadequacies of Federation Standard, "It's a Betazoid practice - we synchronize minds, most often in what humans call the throes of intimacy, and experience each other's emotions - for the briefest time, we become a single entity - from a mental perspective - the purest definition of love between man and wife..." Buck paused, still trying to think of a better way of wording it.

It was something Jesa hadn't even anticipated in her consideration of their relationship. This was his idea of intimacy between them, not just the physical. The physical she could handle, it was very difficult for her to be physically taken advantage of, or used against her will - she didn't fear that. But telepathically - it brought back memories and fears she didn't want to deal with.

But this was her husband. The one she had chosen to spend her life with, and she trusted him with every part of her. 'Then why won't you demonstrate that?' another part of her mind retorted. 'Because it's ugly. Because I'm ugly...' the first part countered. She didn't even realize there were tears on her cheeks.

Buck cursed himself to the abyss... He had made her cry. Was that all he was destined to do for the rest of his life? Make her cry? He didn't want that - he wanted her to feel happy - he wanted her to understand, on the most basic level, everything he felt for her...

But not at the expense of everything else - not at the expense of their mutual love, and respect...

But if not now, when? He had to make a stand - by Betazoid law, he was still unmarried - and he wanted so much to be Jesa's husband, in all facets of their strange, warped relationship.

"Jesa... Please - let me in... Don't you trust me?"

Jesa took a slow breath and opened her eyes. "Yes, I do," she looked at his beautiful eyes and reached over to touch his cheek. It didn't matter why he needed it, she decided, she loved him and that was enough of a reason. This sort of gesture was the kind of closeness she needed. But if he needed something else... she would do everything she could to provide. "And yes, I will let you in," she looked around at their surroundings. "But I would like to go inside. Where we won't be disturbed."

Buck's sullen expression slowly morphed into a wan grin. His eyes sparkled. "Thank you," he whispered, kissing her on the cheek. Slowly, he led her into Jelandra's house.

The place was empty, but for them. Jelandra kept no servants, despite her high station, and she herself was spending more and more time aiding the relief effort to the sections of their world hardest-hit by the Dominion invasion. She had found her purpose, it seemed - or at least she had found her drive. That left Buck and Jesa very much alone.

Buck paused, considering... Synchronization did not need to occur while engaged in intimate pursuits, but that was most certainly the most powerful way to demonstrate the... effects. "Would you... Would you care to retire to our chambers for the afternoon, my dearest?"

Dark thoughts were brewing in her mind, old fears she had thought she had vanquished a long time ago. Slowly she took a breath and steadied herself. This was Buck, this wasn't any of those people, and well, if he didn't like what he found in her mind, the depths of her self, well... now was as good a time as any to find that out. Mostly Jesa was just needing comfort. She turned and hugged him warmly, listening to his heartbeat for a moment before she replied, "Yes."

Buck squeezed her tightly, then led her up the stairs to the 'guest room'. Jelandra, in her infinitely distorted sense of humor, had dubbed their room the 'honeymoon suite', in honor of the fact that they'd never really gotten round to having a honeymoon. It had somewhat disturbed Jesa, the way the young Betazoid girl had 'winked' at her when she first mentioned it.

He opened the door for her and closed it behind them, and they walked, hand-in-hand over near the bed. Jesa slipped her hands into his and turned to face him. He leaned down and kissed her, she returned it gently. She was tense. She knew it. But could not banish it. Inside of her mind was a struggle against memories and fears. There were some things that just hurt too much to let him see. Did he really want to see them?

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, letting her emotions show in her eyes. He would know of them anyway, but this was the only control she had, the only way to let him know how she was feeling. All other power to know her feelings on a different level lay with him. Jesa gently disengaged her hands from his and stroked his chest gently. She was ready for this. As much as she could be.

Buck sat her down on the bed, moving a loose strand of her hair back behind her ears. It was obscuring her perfect face. Smiling, he took her hands in his. "Now... I doubt you'll have felt anything like this before. At first, it will feel like a deep probe, then more like a transfer of information. Then, as though my mind and your mind were one and the same. You will see me, but you will also see you through my eyes. You will feel what I feel, and I will feel what you feel - emotionally and physically." He gave her a lopsided grin. "It may be disorienting."

Slowly, gently, he pushed a mental tendril into her miasma of thought and consciousness - just beyond the surface. Jesa's normally ordered mind was a swirl with many conflicting emotions, but she didn't even try to resist. There was fear, but not of him. Then deeper, harder - a sharper sensation. And then...

She was aware, on a subconscious level, of the most minute sounds in the room, the vibrations on her skin, the way the light was refracting through the room, the feel of her clothing against her skin, an awareness more heightened than any other humanoid Buck knew of. But that wasn't where it ended, but where it began. She was aware of every molecule in her body, and not only aware, but was able to control it. It wasn't a conscious effort to maintain this shape, but there was a constant part of her which softly chanted the fact of her current form in the back of her mind.

Buck had never seen the mind of a shapeshifter before - even when he had helped Alanna with her psychosis, he'd never pushed beyond the outermost levels. As he entered the most basic levels of Jesa's consciousness, he suddenly felt as though he was seeing everything and feeling everything in the room all at once - so much information she filtered and was both not being aware of it, and monitoring it. No wonder she became tired when forced to stay alert for so long. She had so much more to process then.

A dozen voices clamored for attention in her mind, a part of her not wanting to pay attention to all the sensations and signals he was bringing into an already active mind. Her presence was guarded, unfocused, not really understanding where she was. Jesa had turned inward, and there were many more sides there she was fighting. Even the memories that haunted her had a sort of comfort. At least as long as she still touched them, she still knew that she was her. She was terrified of losing herself.

Suddenly all burst forth, completely plunging him into the maelstrom. Jesa's consciousness turned towards attention of him. Fear and scenarios of losing him played in her mind. She had never said as much, but it was truth to every part of her being that she didn't know if she could survive if he died. She also knew his death was a very real possibility, and in her darker thoughts she knew she would probably outlive him - but she wasn't sure she would have any will to. She mentally twisted, trying to sort out the sensations and emotions he was sending her but stubbornly refusing to give up her individuality, her sense of self. She didn't even realize she was doing it, she just was afraid.

The fear became more poignant. He saw the memory which was more real to her right now than anything physical, or even his presence. She was with another changeling, there were no words spoken but there was a tremor, vibrations between them and she could sense what he wanted. He grabbed her by the wrist and slowly forced her, piece by piece, into submission. He roamed freely in her mind, she didn't even know how to deal with it. Slowly he began stripping away the things that were her, that she knew were her. Jesa fought back, she kept grabbing onto threads of herself, trying to keep herself separate from him. Even the painful memories meant she still remembered herself... The revulsion of slowly becoming what was harming her brought horror. Everything mixed together. What he was feeling, and what she was. Fear and pleasure, horror and delight, it all became combined, she felt it all and knew it all.

But she had forgotten herself.

'By the Great Fire...'

Buck was a Doctor. And, as a telepathic Doctor, he had dealt with the mental aftereffects of almost every imaginable hurt and harm - often helping his patients to deal with their memories. But he had never, in all his years, seen anything like this. Rape of the Body, yes, he had seen the effects and he reviled it - but this was Rape of the Soul... This was why she feared him so much - his telepathy - his 'gift'... She feared that letting anyone in might cause her to lose herself... Had she honestly thought him capable of such a thing...? Buck fought those thoughts aside, knowing that she was currently sensing everything he was feeling and thinking - and he knew it wasn't true. She knew he would never harm her - could see it as plain as day - it was an irrational fear. He should leave...

But if he left, would it not be an irrational fear forever? Would she not spend the rest of her life thinking that this horrific experience that had been forced upon her by that shapeshifting beast was all that there was to the experience of sharing one another's thoughts and feelings? And would he not regret, forever, not teaching her differently...?

'Calm. JESA... It's me... Imzadi...' Buck thought, loudly, broadcasting over all the ruckus that surrounded his paracortex...

Her consciousness focused on him, somehow knowing the colors of his soul without having to have felt them before. It wasn't so much words as intention at this point. Slowly, very slowly, like replacing strewn belongings in a room into their proper place, her mind regained the order that it was normally in. 'I didn't...' it was an unfinished thought, the emotions with it being sadness and self-despise. Jesa was strong, and she knew she had quite a few strengths, but when it came down to it, it was easy to see how she felt about herself. When push came to shove, she shoved back. When people fought her, she fought back. She was so spirit-weary of running it was heartbreaking.

The feeling of constantly moving from place to place, knowing before one had stepped one foot on the ground of a new world it could never be home. And suddenly he understood why she wanted to go back so badly even with the danger. The Isannah had been home to her. Home with him. Home with the only people she really thought of as her friends. Running away, even with him, was surrendering to them again. She had vowed against it, even if she perished. The knowledge he felt this from her also brought with embarrassment of the truth of it, and some horrification that she would choose that end, possibly their end, because she couldn't run anymore.

Inwardly, Buck smiled. Not his happy grin. He smiled in the way one smiled at the end of a Shakespearean Tragedy... His love, in so much pain every day...

'You are not alone, Jesa... Not any more... And never again.'

He dove into her mind - caution be damned - searching for her center. For the Jesa behind all of the worry and fear and hurt. He knew she was in here somewhere - he refused to believe that all that existed of the woman he loved could be summed up by a handful of neuroses and the tragic memories of three lifetimes - Jesa was in here, somewhere, and he would find her. Let her know - let her SEE - that she was not alone. Make her feel everything he did, so she'd finally understand...

'I will never leave you...'

In the physical world she kissed him, tears streaming down her face and held him to her, feeling his consciousness, his desire to find the good of her - that which was truly her. She knew of it, but she didn't think she did. There were moments... the total sacrifice of herself, the willingness to do anything she could for him, just to make him happy. There were the moments of confliction, where she had the power to do whatever she wished, and her first consideration was to the lives she would affect with her decision. There was the moment of decision, when he had confessed his love to her, and begged her to be with him. He knew nothing in the universe could tear her away from that promise. There was, underneath everything, a regal courage to stand even though she knew knew no one else would really understand her.

But that wasn't true now.

'There you are...'

Buck returned her kiss, warmly, almost desperately.

'And now...' His center and hers combined - merged - and for an instant of total clarity, they knew each other better than it was possible for two people to know each other. She saw herself through his heart - and he saw himself through hers. And both of them knew that, no matter what, they were not alone...